This is an amateur, non-commercial story, which is not produced, approved of, or in any way sponsored by the holders of the trademarks/copyrights from which this work is derived, nor is it intended to infringe on the rights of these holders. And so it goes. LES PARAMEDICS Being a sick little parody of "A Little Fall of Rain" from
Les Miserables
Song by Schonberg & Kretzmer, parody by Jeff
Morris
medical corrections by Mary Morris
Scene: The barricade in Paris. The brave, tragic slut Eponine has risked life and limb to return to the barricade and her beloved, incredibly ignorant object of adoration Marius (who is too busy mooning over mousy little Cosette to notice that a major-league babe has the hots for him). Alas, brave Eponine has taken a bullet in the belly, and her big finale has come…
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EPONINE |
Don't you fret, M'sieur Marius |
Enter GAGE and DESOTO, two paramedics. GAGE is carrying the drug box, DESOTO the biophone.
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GAGE (speaking) |
Sir, please put the girl down so I can take a look. |
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DESOTO (speaking) |
Rampart, this is squad 51. We've got a young woman, approximately twenty years old, with a gunshot wound to the chest. Vitals to follow… |
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MARIUS |
But you will live 'Ponine, dear God above |
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GAGE (speaking) |
BP is 80 over 60, pulse 80, respiration 18 and weak. (To MARIUS) Sir, you're upsetting the patient. Please stand back and let us work. |
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EPONINE |
Just hold me now, and let it be
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MARIUS |
You would live a hundred years |
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DESOTO (speaking) |
Start an IV of D5W TKO, apply pressure bandage to wound and prepare for immediate transport. 10-4, Rampart.
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GAGE (speaking) |
Sir, for the last time, stand back and shut up! Roy, she's in a lot of pain… |
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EPONINE |
The rain can't hurt me now |
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GAGE (speaking) |
Miss, you're going to be fine. Just relax and you'll be at Rampart before you know it. |
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DESOTO (speaking) |
Rampart, patient is in considerable pain. Request permission to administer 6 milligrams morphine IV push.
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EPONINE |
The rain that brings you here
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(GAGE has popped open a vial of morphine and injected it into the IV line. AMBULANCE ATTENDANTS enter stage right and prepare gurney. EPONINE is getting decidedly glassy-eyed and her words are slurred)
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EPONINE |
So don't you fret, M'sieur Marius |
MARIUS |
Hush-a-bye, dear |
EPONINE is lifted onto the gurney. MARIUS, despite GAGE's efforts, is still holding her hand and singing (obviously it's some primo stuff going into her arm)…
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MARIUS |
I'm here |
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DESOTO (speaking) |
You going with her or am I? |
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GAGE (speaking) |
You go on. I'll meet you at Rampart. |
EPONINE is being carted to the off-stage ambulance. MARIUS is standing center-stage, still singing
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EPONINE |
And you will keep me safe |
MARIUS |
I will stay with you Grow. |
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GAGE (speaking) |
(To Marius) Sir? We're taking her to Rampart--you know where that is, right? If I were you, I'd leave this barricade and head over there before you get hurt--those soldiers look serious, you ask me. And you know, under all that grime she looked kinda cute, and she sure was sweet on you…Well, I'm outta here. Good luck. |
FOOTNOTE: Under the care of Doctors Early and Brackett, Eponine did in fact recover from her wounds. After a long heart-to-heart chat with Dixie McCall, she changed her wanton ways and went to nursing school. GAGE at one point during her recovery asked for a date but struck out. MARIUS ignored GAGE's sound advice, got shot up for his trouble, and eventually wound up with mousy ol' Cosette, serves him right. DESOTO got himself a good cup of coffee at Rampart, rounded up GAGE and made Squad 51 available, which is where this mercifully ends.