This is an amateur, non-commercial story, which is not produced, approved of, or in any way sponsored by the holders of the trademarks/copyrights from which this work is derived, nor is it intended to infringe on the rights of these holders. And so it goes.
You asked…you demanded…you begged…
But I did it anyway.
SCENE ONE
Munchkin Land. The little buggers are still doing the Superiority Dance
over the death of the WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST, who is still lying beneath the
Kansas farmhouse. Enter SQUAD 51 AND ENGINE 51.
GAGE and DeSOTO walk over to the farmhouse, joined momentarily by CAP,
CHET, MARCO and STOKER.
CAP: Oboy.
CHET: Talk about street pizza…
MARCO: Is there any point to getting her out of there?
CAP: If she's got any next of kin, they'll want the body. Okay. Stoker, get the hydraulic jack. Marco, you get the Stokes. Chet…
CHET: I'll go get the stick and spoon.
GAGE is setting up the biophone and talking to DeSOTO.
GAGE: Man. Just when you think you've seen it all…
DeSOTO: Imagine how she felt. You go around minding your own business, and next thing you know, a farmhouse comes out of nowhere and lands right on top of you.
GAGE: Rampart, this is 51. We've got a witch, age approximately 600 years, trapped under a Kansas farmhouse. At this time we cannot provide you with vitals.
Please stand by. To DeSOTO Just our luck. It's Morton. Ten bucks says we have to start an IV on her if we get vitals on her.
Enter OFFICER VINCE HOWARD, talking to CAP. STOKER and CHET are using the
jack to lift the house off the victim.
CAP: Good to see you, Vince. Wish it was under better circumstances.
VINCE: No kidding. And get this. Hundreds of witnesses (waves arm at the gawking Munchkins), and no one saw anything. This house just came flying down out of the sky and smashed right into her. I'm telling you, it's getting harder and harder to do my job. Consults his notepad. I did manage to get someone to tell me they saw a pre-teen girl head down that yellow brick road toward Emerald City. I'm going to call it in and see if we can't detain her for questioning.
CAP: What is it with kids these days…?
CHET: Hey, Gage! DeSoto! I think we can get her out now!
The paramedics and firefighters slide the body out from under the house.
DeSOTO starts checking for vitals while GAGE returns to the biophone.
GAGE: Anything?
DeSOTO: Nothing. Should I start CPR?
GAGE: Rampart, we are detecting no pulse, no BP, no respiration. Pupils are unresponsive. Listens. To DeSOTO: Begin compressions and start an IV, D5W. Prepare for immediate transport. Man, I knew it!
The firemen are slowly lowering the house back to the ground. Ambulance
pulls up; DeSOTO and the attendants load the WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST into the
vehicle and head offstage. Gage picks up the biophone and drug box, heads for
the Squad. Stops in midstep and looks down at his shoe.
GAGE Oh, man. Someone couldn't be bothered to clean up after his dog…
SCENE TWO
The Poppy Field. DOROTHY, TOTO and COWARDLY LION are snoozing away in a
drug-enduced stupor among the pretty flowers. SCARECROW and TIN WOODMAN are
having a conniption fit. Enter SQUAD 51.
GAGE: (To SCARECROW) What seems to be the problem, sir?
SCARECROW: Oh, oh, oh! It's Dorothy! She's out there in the poppy fields, sound asleep, and we can't rouse her!
TIN MAN: And Toto, too!
GAGE: What's this 'Dorothy' doing with a rock band in a poppy field, or do I really want to know?
TIN MAN: No, no! Toto is Dorothy's dog! And the Lion is out there too!
GAGE: Okay. Just calm down and relax, sir. We'll get them out of there in just a minute. And you might want to calm your friend down, too. He looks like he's coming apart at the seams.
GAGE joins DeSOTO at the Squad and begins putting on his oxygen gear.
DeSOTO: So what have we got?
GAGE: Sounds like some girl, her boyfriend and her dog were snorting poppies and O.D.'d. Maybe we ought to take a tank out there and start administering O2 immediately.
DeSOTO: Good idea. Let's take the Stokes with us. It'll make getting them out of there a lot easier.
GAGE and DeSOTO march out into the poppy field, where they find DOROTHY,
TOTO, and COWARDLY LION.
DeSOTO: Junior?
GAGE: Man, when he said 'the Lion' was out here, I just figured he was using some guy's nickname. I didn't think he meant a real lion.
DeSOTO: Well, let's start with the girl and the dog. (They load DOROTHY and TOTO onto the Stokes and apply an oxygen mask to her before dragging her out of the field) I don't know why those two didn't think to at least bring her out of there.
GAGE: You ask me, I don't think they've got more than one brain between 'em.
GAGE and DeSOTO reach the Squad and deposit DOROTHY and TOTO onto the
ground.
GAGE: (To SCARECROW and TIN WOODMAN) Uh, guys, we could really use some help in getting your friend out of there.
With a great deal of effort, GAGE, DeSOTO, SCARECROW and TIN WOODMAN
manage to drag COWARDLY LION out of the field. He is also wearing an O2 mask.
DeSOTO sets to work on getting vitals, GAGE sets up the biophone.
GAGE: Rampart, this is 51. We have a possible multiple drug overdose--female, approximately thirteen years old, a lion, age unknown….that's correct, Rampart, a lion. No, Dix, we were not out sniffing the poppies too.
TIN MAN: Don't forget Toto!
GAGE: Oh yeah, and her little dog, too. Stand by for vitals.
DeSOTO is nearby, trying to figure out how to get a blood pressure
reading off a lion. DOROTHY, TOTO, and COWARDLY LION emerge from their stupor.
LION: Man, I could really go for a pizza right now.
DeSOTO: Sir, please remain lying down. My partner and I are paramedics. We're here to make sure you're okay, then get you to Rampart for further treatment.
DOROTHY: Rampart? But we've got to get to Emerald City! We're off to see the Wizard!
GAGE: Well, you almost managed to fly yourselves there just now! Miss, just lie back down and wait for the ambulance to get here! Hey, Roy, does Rampart have a veterinarian on duty?
DOROTHY and the LION remove their masks and stand up, albeit shakily.
DOROTHY: I thank you for your kindness, sirs, but my friends and I must really be off. We really must see the Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
SCARECROW: I'm going to ask for a brain.
TIN MAN: I'm going to ask for a heart.
LION: I was going to ask for courage, but a large pizza with the works sounds really good right now.
DOROTHY: And I'm going to ask him to help me get back to Kansas.
DeSOTO looks at GAGE and mouths the word "runaway".
DOROTHY: So you see, sirs, we can't go to this 'Rampart' place. We have to follow the Yellow Brick Road to Emerald City and the Wizard.
GAGE: Oh yeah? And just how are you going to get through that poppy field?
LION: That's easy. We'll use these tanks and masks. Scarecrow and Tin Woodman don't need them. And Dorothy can carry Toto in her basket.
DeSOTO: Uhhh, I'm sorry, but those tanks are the property of the Los Angeles County Fire Department…
TIN WOODMAN raises his axe; LION bares his teeth.
DeSOTO: …and if you'll just sign here, miss, signifying that you declined treatment, you can take those tanks with our compliments and be on your way.
SCENE THREE
The WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST'S castle. DOROTHY has just doused the WITCH
with a bucket of water, causing the old biddy to melt away. Enter Squad 51.
DeSOTO: Oboy. Here we go again.
GAGE: Man. What is it about witches today? He spots DOROTHY. You again! Hey, did your mother ever teach you to clean up your dog's messes? Do you know how many times I've had to scrape my shoes this week because of you?
DeSOTO sets up the biophone.
DeSOTO: Rampart, this is 51. We have a witch down, age approximately 550 years, suffering from fluid overload. We are unable to obtain vitals at this time.
GAGE: You just wait until Vince gets here, yessiree. He's going to want to have a word with you, especially if that farmhouse that killed the Wicked Witch of the East belongs to you. You can't just go around killing witches, you know. And didn't you tell us you and your buddies were going to Emerald City? How'd you end up here?
DeSOTO Junior, we're going to need the siphon from the squad and an empty IV bag. We're to suck her into the bag and prepare for immediate transport.
GAGE: I'm on it. (To himself) Man, these kids today…running away from home, falling in with a bad crowd, snorting poppies…going around trying to kill witches…you never saw me doing anything like that when I was their age…
Enter OFFICER VINCE HOWARD.
VINCE: Miss Dorothy Gale? I'm placing you under arrest for the murders of the Wicked Witches of the East and West. You have the right to remain silent; anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney…
DOROTHY: Oh, Auntie Em! Auntie Em! There's no place like home, there's no place like home…
DOROTHY wakes up. She is lying in her bed, surrounded by GAGE, DeSOTO,
AUNT EM and UNCLE HENRY. TOTO is lying at her feet, whimpering piteously.
DeSOTO: Here we go. Hello, Dorothy. I'm Roy. How are you feeling?
DOROTHY: Auntie Em?
AUNT EM: It's all right, Dorothy. You were caught in the tornado and got hurt, but these nice paramedics took care of you. You're going to be just fine.
DOROTHY: Oh, Auntie Em, I had the strangest dream! I dreamed I flew off to a
far-off place! Looks at GAGE. And you were there! At DeSOTO. And
you were there! GAGE picks up the biophone receiver.
GAGE: Rampart, this is 51. Patient is awake and responsive. Approximate time of arrival is 15 minutes.
DOROTHY: Wait. I don't understand. If this is Kansas, and you're Los Angeles paramedics, how can you be here?
DeSOTO: Artistic license, miss. Comes in handy sometimes. Enter the AMBULANCE ATTENDANTS. These men are going to take you to the hospital, where they'll run some tests and make sure you're okay.
DOROTHY is placed on the gurney and carried out. She reaches out and
takes AUNT EM'S hand.
DOROTHY: Oh, Auntie Em! There truly is no place like home!
Exit DOROTHY, DeSOTO and AMBULANCE ATTENDANTS. GAGE picks up the
equipment and starts to leave. He stops in mid step.
GAGE: Oh, man! WILL SOMEONE PLEASE CLEAN UP AFTER THIS DOG?????
The end!