All “Neon Genesis: Evangelion” characters and situations are owned by Gainax. This is an amateur, non-commercial
story which is not produced, approved of, or in any way sponsored by the
holders of the trademarks/copyrights from which this work is derived, nor is it
intended to infringe on the rights of these holders. And so it goes.
This
story is dedicated to the mighty Hospitaller, who gave me the idea for a
Latin-based title.
Tokyo-3 was basking in the warmth of a sunny, angel-free spring afternoon. The weather was so perfect, in fact, that the school had magnanimously permitted the student body to enjoy a lunch hour outside. Three young men were seated on the front steps, chowing down on their meals and discussing important topics.
“Y’see, Ikari,” Touji mumbled around the last pieces of his lunch. “Me and Kensuke here, we figured out what your problem is, y’know? And it’s simple.” He smiled triumphantly. “Ikari…you ain’t got no balls.”
“What?” Shinji choked on his own meal, needing a moment or two to recover before responding. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Just what I said.” Touji leaned back against the concrete steps and grinned. Shinji whirled around to confront Kensuke, who shrugged helplessly and nodded. “You see, Ikari,” Touji continued, “It’s like this. You pilot one of those EVA units. That’s really cool. I mean, it’s the coolest of the cool. Kensuke here is wetting his pants for that kind of opportunity, you know?”
“Boy, you said it,” Kensuke sighed.
“So anyway, you’re a big hotshot pilot. And you live with a major league babe like Captain Katsuragi…” Touji paused a moment to daydream about the delectable woman in question. “You two live in the same house, you eat together, you work together…and I mean, let’s face it, a babe like Misato’s got to be a woman of the world, if you know what I mean. Experienced.”
“She’s also a slob,” Shinji muttered. “And she drinks a lot.”
“With a body like hers, who cares?” Touji sighed lustfully. “So, what I’m saying here, Ikari, is that you had a perfect opportunity to fulfill two fantasies - first, the young man with the older, experienced woman, and second, the experienced woman instructing the young guy about the ways of the flesh. It wouldn’t be that hard - I mean, you walk in on her some night while she’s taking a bath, you ‘accidentally’ sleepwalk into her bedroom at night, you wait till she’s really, really drunk…” He sighed and shook his head. “I can come up with all this off the top of my head, man, and what did you do about it? Nothing!”
“It’s not that simple,” Shinji protested. “That kind of stuff could get us both in big trouble!”
“Only if anyone found out,” Kensuke pointed out oh so helpfully. “And if it were me, I sure wouldn’t tell anyone. Except you two guys, of course.”
“You don’t understand,” Shinji tried again. “You don’t live with her! You don’t have any idea what it’s like! And then there’s Asuka…”
“That’s the other thing,” Touji interrupted. “Soryu is the biggest bitch I have ever seen in my life. She’s nasty, snide, bossy, and thinks she’s the hottest girl to ever grace Tokyo-3.”
“She is kind of cute, though,” Kensuke conceded. “Nice legs.”
“Yeah, I’ll give her that. Great legs.” Touji took a swig of tea before continuing. “I mean, come on Ikari! You know what they say about girls like that, right?”
“Not really, but I’m sure you’re about to tell me.”
Touji rolled his eyes. “There is only one way a guy can settle a girl like that down. One way. And you, Ikari, have betrayed your fellow male classmates by not risking your life and taking care of it.”
“Yeah, and I’m still alive and intact,” Shinji shot back. “You try living with those two sometime, and then come back and tell me how easy it was to do…that stuff.” His face reddened as he finished the sentence.
“Piece of cake, but I’m not the one living there. You are. And again, my friend, you ain’t got no balls.” Touji smiled.
Shinji snorted. “The hell I don’t.”
Kensuke rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “I dunno, Shinji. Touji’s made some pretty strong points…”
“Oh, come on. I’ve got iron down there, compared to you two.”
“Really?” Touji said mockingly. “Don’t suppose you’d be interested in a little wager to prove it, Ikari? Or are you too chicken?”
“Name it,” Shinji declared without thinking.
“Okay. How’s this?” Touji leaned forward and lowered his voice, a smile of pure evil etched on his face. “You deliver a pair of Soryu’s panties to us by the start of school tomorrow, and we’ll concede you’ve got balls of iron. If you don’t come up with a pair by then…you have to stand in front of the school before first bell and sing the school anthem in your undershorts.”
Shinji blinked. “You’re kidding.”
“Nope.” Touji looked inordinately pleased with himself.
“And if I do this…” Shinji said slowly, “then you two have to do the singing, right?”
“That’s fair,” Kensuke admitted before Touji could protest.
“Deal!” Shinji declared. This would be incredibly easy, he thought to himself. A quick trip to the store and his worries were over…
“One thing,” Touji added ominously. “These panties…they can’t be pristine clean. They have to have been worn, y’know? Otherwise Kensuke and I will have to assume that you just ran down to the store and bought a pair.”
“Yeah,” Kensuke chimed in.
“I have to bring you her dirty panties?”
“Yup,” the two conspirators nodded. “And since you already agreed to it, Ikari, no weaseling out.” Touji rose to his feet. “Well, back to class. Looking forward to tomorrow morning, Ikari…one way or the other, you know?”
Shinji stood there helplessly as his classmates returned inside, praying in vain for a sudden angel invasion or earthquake to swallow him whole.
* * * * *
The more Shinji thought about the situation, the more he realized just how much trouble he’d gotten into. Why hadn’t he just said no, or better still, ignored the accusations? Why did he always let Touji get the better of him? Why couldn’t he control his temper? How the hell was he going to get a pair of Asuka’s panties by tomorrow morning?
He lowered his head, pretending to concentrate on the teacher’s lecture, and stole a glance over at the target. Her eyes were riveted on the aged instructor, seeming to drink in his every monotonous word about the wonders of trigonometry. If you didn’t notice that her right hand was flying around her keypad, you might actually believe she was paying attention. Shinji wondered what she was writing, and to whom.
A moment later a brief message flashed on his own screen. “KEEP YOUR PERVERTED EYES OFF ME, THIRD CHILD.” Shinji flushed and quickly looked away, only to find the amused gaze of the Class President upon him. His blush deepened and he forced himself to focus back on the teacher.
In the meantime, though, Shinji was thinking about the bet and how to win it. He deleted Asuka’s message from his screen and started listing possibilities:
1 NERV locker room after tests
2 Dirty laundry at home
3 Misato?
4 Nighttime raid (last resort)
Given the list, his best two options were on top. Shinji was fairly certain his buddies would quickly notice a substitution (though given their infatuation with Misato, it might get him partially off the hook), and he didn’t even want to consider the final option. The price of failure would be far too high.
It would have to be number one, then. Shinji sighed, and started plotting.
* * * * *
“So, how are the synch tests going today?” Misato handed Ritsuko a cup of coffee and looked out the glass enclosure at the three EVA units standing against the opposite wall. Even after all this time, the sight of those massive constructs made her shiver. She wasn’t sure if it was because they looked somewhat human or because they looked somewhat like the angels.
“Hmmm, going fairly well today, all told,” Ritsuko replied. She sipped at her cup, grimacing at the taste. “Good lord, how long has this been sitting around?”
“I don’t know. A few hours, maybe.”
“I’ve tasted LCL that was better than this.” Ritsuko leaned over Maya’s shoulder, consulting the bio-readings from the three pilots. “The ratios are all well within acceptable limits, especially Asuka’s. Rei’s doing fine as always. Shinji, though…”
“What’s wrong with Shinji?”
Ritsuko shook her head. “Some of his readings are elevated…pulse, blood pressure, brain activity. Everything okay at home and school? He seems to be a little stressed.”
“As far as I know, things are fine,” Misato shrugged. “I mean, I know it’s got to be a little rough on him, being the only guy in the apartment…” Her voice trailed off, and her gaze grew just a bit distant for a moment or two. “I worry about Shinji sometimes.”
“Why’s that?” Ritsuko said as she typed in a few new test parameters.
“Well…to be honest, I worry that he’s not very…aggressive. You know?”
“Not really.”
Misato sighed. “He’s so passive! You can yell and scream at him for hours and he’ll just stand there and take it! He rarely shows any sort of anger, he’s about as far from assertive as you can get…”
“He doesn’t have any balls?” Ritsuko asked.
“Exactly.” Misato folded her arms beneath her bosom and sighed again. “I don’t expect him to…you know, around me and all. I’m old enough to be his… slightly older sister. But Asuka’s about his age, and there are times you can all but smell the hormones percolating in that apartment, but…”
“If I were Shinji, I’d be damned wary about trying anything with Asuka,” Ritsuko chuckled.
“Yeah, maybe, but still…you’d think he’d show even a little interest.” Misato shook her head. “I worry sometimes.”
“Never thought I’d see the day you’d show a maternal instinct.” Ritsuko typed in a series of commands, and seconds later three entry plugs popped out of the EVA units. The trio of pilots emerged moments after that. “All right, you three. Well done for today. You’re finished. Go have…fun?” Ritsuko turned around toward her friend. “You see that?”
“What?”
Ritsuko shook her head. “Shinji just bolted out of there like his life depended on it.”
* * * * *
Every second counted. Shinji almost slipped on a puddle as he flew into the locker room, but quickly regained his balance and raced over to the girls’ side. There were eight lockers to choose from; one had to be Asuka’s. He unlatched the first door and pulled it open; it was empty.
The second locker had clothing and books in it. A quick check indicated that these were Rei’s belongings. Shinji shook his head and tilted his head, listening intently for the first hint of anyone approaching. Satisfied that the coast was still clear, he shut the second locker and headed for the third.
It was empty, as were the fourth, fifth and sixth lockers. His heart pounding, Shinji all but tore the seventh locker door off its very hinges. A neat stack of clothing and books lay waiting inside the cramped confines. “Yes!” he whispered, triumph roaring through his body as he dove into the locker and began digging for his prize.
There they were, Asuka’s panties. Perfect. Shinji snatched them up and stared at them for a long moment, stunned at how very easy it had been…Almost too easy. He couldn’t wait to present them to Kensuke and Touji tomorrow, then watch them drop their drawers in front of the entire class and start singing. Smiling triumphantly, Shinji grasped his prize and turned toward the men’s locker area.
Gendo Ikari stood not more than five feet away, staring at his son.
Shinji’s heart froze. His breath escaped in one gasp and his lungs refused to work. His muscles refused to work, especially the ones that enabled his right hand to tightly grasp Asuka Langely Soryu’s underwear.
Gendo Ikari stared at his son.
Shinji’s mouth fell open, but he could not think, could not even begin to concoct an explanation as to why he was stealing his fellow pilot’s undergarments. All that came out was a muffled “Uhhh”.
Gendo Ikari stared at his son.
Shinji heard distant footsteps drawing closer and closer as seconds crawled by.
Gendo Ikari stared at his son.
Shinji’s brain screamed at the rest of his body to stop being a bloody idiot and do something.
Gendo Ikari stared at his son.
Somehow…perhaps self-preservation kicked in…Shinji turned around and placed the pilfered panties back into the locker and shut the door behind him.
Gendo Ikari stared at his son, then left the locker room, holding the door open for Rei and Asuka as they entered.
“What’s the problem, Third Child?” Asuka sneered as she peeled off her plug suit. “About to potty in your entry plug, or something else?”
“Nothing,” Shinji muttered from the other side of the room, grateful that no one could see his crimson face.
“Yeah, right,” Asuka continued as she tossed her suit in the clothes bin. “You know what your problem is, Third Child?”
“I don’t have any balls?”
“That’s right! You don’t have any…” Asuka paused in her diatribe, confused. “How did you know I was going to say that?”
“Inspired guess,” Shinji mumbled as he started undressing.
* * * * *
Upon reflection, Gendo Ikari had to admit he was somewhat relieved. For the longest time he’d been convinced his son had no balls.
* * * * *
Sunlight momentarily blinded the three pilots as they exited NERV headquarters. “Well, that’s a relief,” Asuka declared, stretching her arms out and nearly decking Shinji in the process. “We’ve still got some of the day left, even after all those boring classes and synch tests.”
“The tests are necessary,” Rei commented quietly.
“Oh, yeah, so says Teacher’s Pet.” Asuka rolled her eyes and turned toward Shinji. “By the way, Third Child, I need…” To her surprise, however, the sole male pilot was no longer standing there. She caught a flash of his leg rounding the corner a block or so away. “Well, that’s just great. I was about to ask him to help me with an errand on the way home, but I guess the great Shinji Ikari has more important things to do!”
“So it would seem.”
Asuka snorted. “Has anyone ever told you what an incredible wit and conversationalist you are, First Child?”
“I don’t think so,” Rei replied after a moment.
“Gee, I wonder why?” Asuka sighed again and set off toward home. “Thanks loads, Misato. Take forever to gather up all our dirty clothes and take them to the Laundromat in your car, then inform me that you’re working late and can’t pick them up yourself, so you saddle it on me and the Third Child, who goes racing off…ahh, sheissen!”
* * * * *
Shinji’s face was well beyond crimson by the time he reached the apartment. His leg muscles felt as if a thousand splinters were embedded in them, and his chest was moving like the piston of a steam train at full speed. But none of that mattered to him. The important thing was that he’d gotten home first, and that bought him some time to find one stinking lousy pair of German panties. Assuming, of course, that Misato didn’t give Asuka a lift home.
Naturally, his hands were shaking so badly from his exertions that he fumbled the keys to the front door three times. To make matters worse, Shinji opted to just kick his shoes off instead of taking the time to remove them properly; the right sneaker slipped off faster than he’d expected and momentum sent his now-unprotected foot right into the threshold. He yelped in pain and hopped around angrily on one foot while holding the other in his hands, very nearly tumbling over poor Pen-Pen (who had emerged from his icebox to see what the fuss was all about) in the process.
“Damn it!” Shinji yelled to the empty room as he tumbled against the wall. “Okay, okay, it’s okay. I’m okay. I’ve got some time. Deep breaths…that’s it…deep breaths, be calm…” He closed his eyes, willing his heart and nervous system to slow down.
The phone rang. Shinji screamed, jolting backwards and smacking his head into the wall. It was only through the grace of God that he managed to stumble into Asuka’s bedroom and look around the pristine surroundings. Damn Germans, he thought to himself as he scoured the room for the elusive panties. They never left anything lying around when you needed them to. “Panties,” he gasped, looking under every nook and cranny and shoving a curious Pen-Pen out of his way. “Where are the damned panties?”
“What in the HELL are you DOING?” a shrill, far-too-familiar voice demanded. Shinji slowly turned toward the doorway and winced; Asuka was standing there, eyes blazing hot impending death. She was carrying several packages in her arms, packages that could be nothing else but…just-cleaned laundry.
Damn.
“WELL?”
Oh. Right. Asuka. Hot impending death. Shinji’s mind raced as he looked around the room wildly for something, anything that might help him concoct a story good enough to convince her of his innocent intentions. His gaze fell upon Pen-Pen and suddenly a story came together with stunning clarity. “Uhhh…” he stammered, trying to get the words out in a casual, even tone. “I was stopping Pen-Pen,” he squeaked.
“What?” Asuka’s eyes narrowed into tightly little fiery slits. “What the hell is Pen-Pen doing in here? Are you doing something sick and perverted to him, Third Child? Because if you are, rest assured I am informing Misato and Ritsuko of your twisted inclinations…”
“It’s not like that!” Shinji gasped. “Really! I was…I was…I was stopping him from peeing on your floor!”
“Huh?” Asuka said, blinking in surprise.
“Kwark?” Pen-Pen echoed, also quite surprised at this revelation.
“Uhhh…yeah! I was reading up on penguins and found out that males get these urges a few times a year,” Shinji rambled, praying that an angel would come through the door any second now and deliver him from this living hell. “They want to mark their territory, y’see, and well, they really like to do it where they know females are! To, uhhh, let the girls know that they’re…available and all!”
Asuka drank all this in, tilting her head and carefully considering this wild tale. “You have got to be kidding,” she finally said. “Frankly, the whole perverted sex thing sounds more likely to me.”
“He was going to pee all over your stuff!” Shinji insisted. He turned toward the penguin and gave him a firm slap on the back. “Bad Pen-Pen! Bad! Mustn’t pee on Asuka’s stuff!”
Pen-Pen blessed Shinji with a look of disgust that only a penguin could bestow and waddled out of the room, snorting disdainfully at Asuka as he passed her. The Second and Third Children stared at one another for a long moment or two, then Asuka motioned with her thumb. “Get. Out.”
Shinji hightailed it out of there as fast as he could, leaving Asuka to contemplate the possible evils of Penguin Lust.
* * * * *
Shinji could not sleep that night. For one thing, the desperation of his situation was keeping his brain racing in search of a possible solution before dawn. For another, the ammoniac aroma of penguin pee hung heavily in the air. So he lay atop his futon, breathing through his mouth, and considered his options.
There weren’t any.
Shinji glanced over at his alarm clock. It read 2:35 a.m. Surely Misato and Asuka would be sound asleep by now, and Pen-Pen would be inside his nice cool sanctuary. There was one final chance, one last, impossible opportunity to triumph. He had no choice but to try and hope for the best.
He rolled over onto all fours and slowly, carefully crept over to his bedroom door, sliding it open as quietly as possible. The main living room was pitch black, momentarily disorienting him, but Shinji recovered and crawled toward Asuka’s bedroom. He chose a slowly deliberate pace, inching forward and pausing, inching forward and pausing, his ears straining to pick up any hint of possible discovery. The rough texture of the tatami scraped his palms and knees as he lumbered deeper into the room.
Shinji’s heart was pounding as he drew ever closer to his goal. Only a few more feet to go, he told himself, ignoring the sweat on his brow and the abrasions on his knees and the warm mound of flesh his hand had just descended upon.
Flesh?
Uh-oh.
“Mmmmm…Kaji…”
Shinji realized his error just a heartbeat too late, because Misato now had a firm grip over his hand, forcing him to gently squeeze the captive breast in question. Worse yet, the action was having a definite reaction from the feel of things. Misato sighed happily in her sleep and suggested a few other things Kaji ought to consider doing while he was at it; Shinji trembled and used his free hand to keep his nosebleed under control.
Finally he managed to work his hand free; unfortunately, even asleep Misato’s reflexes were too quick for him. Before Shinji quite knew what was happening, Misato had grabbed him by the upper arm and pulled him down on top of her. His face landed right smack in the valley of the Promised Land, and before he could react she’d wrapped her other arm over his head and held him firmly in place.
Never had impending suffocation held such ambivalence.
As it turned out, it was just as well that Misato had kept him there for a good half-hour or so. Asuka had pushed her dresser in front of her bedroom door before retiring, partly to make sure that perverted Third Child didn’t get any more ideas, and partly to keep that penguin out, just in case Shinji was right about that whole territorial thing.
* * * * *
“Will you come on?” Asuka demanded for the fifteenth time. She turned around, fists on hips, and glared at Shinji, who was trudging along about seven steps behind her. “We’re going to be late for school if you don’t pick up your pace, Third Child!” She waited until he’d pulled even with her, and then gave him a mighty shove that sent him flying forward. “Either you get moving on your own, or I’ll help you, dumbkoff!”
Shinji sighed despondently and nodded, forcing his feet to move fast enough to suit his fellow pilot. He knew what was awaiting him; Kensuke and Touji would be standing just in front of the steps, waiting expectantly for him to show up and admit that he’d lost the bet. And then they’d insist on calling everyone to come over, that the great Shinji Ikari had something important to say to all of them, and no doubt Touji would assist him in dropping his trousers, and Kensuke would hum the opening note of the school anthem, and then…
Why, oh why did those damned angels never show up when you needed them to?
“What?” Asuka declared, eyes blinking in surprise. “Did you say you wanted an angel to attack?”
“Nothing,” Shinji mumbled. “Nothing.”
Asuka shook her head and sighed. “You’re getting weirder every day, Third Child.”
*******
Sure enough, Kensuke and Touji were waiting in front of the school steps. “Well?” Touji asked, a knowing smirk on his face as he stretched out his hand. Shinji sighed heavily and shook his head. Touji’s smile grew even wider, as did Kensuke’s.
“What the hell is going on here?” Asuka demanded. “Is this goon trying to extort money from you, Shinji?” She’d dropped her school bag and raised her fists in anticipation of a good, long-overdue fight with this loudmouth.
“Nah, nothin’ like that, Kraut,” Touji said. “Just a little wager between gentlemen, that’s all. Don’t concern you at all, so butt out.”
“Well, not directly, at least,” Kensuke pointed out.
Asuka’s eyes narrowed. “Shinji…what the hell are they talking about?”
“It’s nothing,” he mumbled, closing his eyes and waiting for the inevitable.
“C’mon, Ikari,” Touji said in a voice loud enough to be heard in Korea. “You lost the bet, bud. Time to pay the piper and sing the song.” Every head turned toward them, and in seconds a huge crowd had surrounded the quartet.
“Bet? What kind of bet?” Asuka wasn’t going to stand back and let this goon humiliate Shinji. That was her job.
“Aw, it’s nothin’, ya little sausage-eater.” Touji reached out toward Shinji’s belt buckle.
“Oh mein Gott, you’re even more perverted than Shinji!” Asuka cried out. Nearby, Hikari’s ears and cheeks blazed bright crimson. The effect set her freckles off rather nicely.
“I AM NOT!” Touji bellowed. “Ikari lost the bet, and now he has to sing the school anthem in his underwear, okay?”
“Say what?”
Kensuke stepped forward. “Y’see, we bet Shinji that he couldn’t steal a pair of your panties and present them to us by this morning. The loser had to sing the school song in his underwear.”
“My…panties.”
“Yup.”
Asuka stared first at Kensuke, then at Touji, and finally at Shinji. “You’re all idiots,” she concluded.
“Sorry,” Shinji murmured.
“Fair’s fair,” Kensuke said. “We did have a bet, and Shinji lost, so…”
“Hold on,” Asuka said, raising a hand for emphasis. “Girls…I need some privacy?” Before the guys could react, the female class contingent, led by Hikari, had completely encircled the redheaded pilot. A moment later they dispersed, pulling away to reveal a smirking Asuka with a pair of panties dangling from her index finger.
“Holy moley,” Kensuke breathed. His glasses fogged up from the moment.
“Shinji?” He looked up and found his greatest antagonist standing beside him, offering her undergarment to him. “I believe this was what you needed, Third Child?”
“Uhhh…yeah.” Hands shaking, Shinji reached out and accepted the offering, then turned toward the stunned Kensuke and Touji and held it out to them. “Here.”
“Damn,” Touji squeaked.
“Yeah,” Kensuke nodded.
“Now then,” Asuka said briskly, “I believe you two owe us a little musical rendition…don’t they, girls?” The two ‘winners’ suddenly noticed that they were now the ones surrounded by an army of pulchritude and paled visibly. “Drop ‘em, guys,” the Second Child ordered.
Two pairs of pants hit concrete.
Asuka smiled sweetly and snatched her panties out of Touji’s sweaty hands. “Thank you so much,” she purred, and then she turned to Shinji. “Well? What are you waiting for?”
“What?” Shinji stammered. “But you…I gave them…”
Asuka’s smile was pure poison. “The bet, Third Child, was that you had to swipe these from my possession and give them to the morons. You didn’t do that; I gave them to you. So you lost the bet as well. So drop those trousers…now.”
A third pair of pants hit concrete.
“Now then,” Asuka continued happily. “Let’s take it from the top, mein lieben, and I want to hear a lot of feeling in it or we’ll do it again. Ready? Eins….zwei…eins, zwei, drei, vier…!”