This is an amateur, non-commercial story, which is not produced, approved of, or in any way sponsored by the holders of the trademarks/copyrights from which this work is derived, nor is it intended to infringe on the rights of these holders. And so it goes.

The minute she awoke, the vampire knew that something was terribly wrong.

Conspicuously absent was the warm, snug comfort of her coffin and the soft blanket of darkness. Instead, she could feel a cold, artificial breeze sliding past her body, and even with her eyes shut she could feel the harsh burn of powerful lighting above her. She struggled to ward the darkness off, but found her arms and legs to be pinned down by something cold and unmoving. Gritting her teeth in anticipation of the pain to come, the vampire counted to three and opened her eyes.

She was in a television studio. There appeared to be an audience watching her plight, but due to the klieg lights shining down on her, she could only make out a shadowy outline of where people were sitting. But her sensitive hearing could make out their murmurs and excited whisperings. She lay on a large chunk of plywood that rested against a block of concrete, which was in turn sitting at a 45-degree angle to the floor. Her wrists and ankles were securely pinned by a set of huge metallic staples, from the look of it. The vampire struggled against her bonds, but could gain no leverage against them. She was trapped.

She heard a feminine voice call out: "What time is it?"

The crowd roared back: "TOOL TIME!"

As the audience cheered, two men came out--one was wearing a suit and had a sort of craggy, jowly features. The other was thickly built and bearded, and wore a flannel shirt and coveralls. "Hi, everybody," the suit said with a smile. "I'm Tim 'the Tool Man' Taylor, and with me is my partner in peril, none other than the mighty Al."

"Hi, everybody," Al said with a wave.

"And today we've got a special treat for you. As you know, this week is Tool Time's 'Salute to Household Pests Week', and we're going to demonstrate how to rid yourself of one of the nastiest intruders around...your common-variety vampire."

"That's right, Tim," Al jumped in. "And we were fortunate enough to locate a vampire today and set her into place just prior to sunset." He walked over to where she lay, hissing and struggling in vain to free herself. Al slipped a pair of plastic goggles over his eyes. "As you can see, she's awake now and trying hard to get away. Now what we've done is pin her limbs down with two pairs of solid-steel anchor bars. We used a Binford Super Staple Gun to embed these babies through an eight-inch thick piece of plywood and a two-foot block of concrete, so it's safe to say that she's not going anywhere for the foreseeable future."

The vampire stopped struggling and instead tried to make eye contact with the bearded buffoon. Their gazes locked momentarily, and to her horror he smiled and shook his head. "Nice try, miss."

Tim smiled. "Now we can't emphasize enough that when hunting a vampire, you should always wear a set of protective safety goggles. Otherwise you might end up at the blood bank in dire need of a big withdrawl." This got a big laugh from the crowd; the vampire bit her lip and made one final bid for freedom. The staples held.

Tim went over to a table and picked up a mean-looking projectile weapon. "Now, you're not always going to get lucky and find a vampire's lair in the daytime," he said, walking over to where she lay. "But let me tell you, with a Binford Stake Shooter like this one, complete with six different firepower levels, even if she's on the run you have a good chance of nailing her." Al stepped away from the platform, and the imprisoned vampire gasped as she watched his partner take careful aim at her chest.

There was a loud pop, and the vampire screamed as a wooden stake pierced her chest. She screamed a second and final time, then went limp. "Nice aim, Tim," Al complimented his partner. "Now folks," he continued, returning his attention to the cameras, "we must remind you here that staking a vampire is only part of the job. You see, if someone were able to pull this stake loose," and he gave the piece of wood a tug--it didn't so much as budge--"she would be able to come back to life, or whatever passes for it. So in order to make sure your home is forever free of this nasty pest, you need to take a good sharp axe and decapitate her."

"Axe?" Tim called; the camera turned to find him armed with a huge yellow chain saw. "Axe?" he repeated. "No way, Jose--a job like this calls for MORE POWER!" The audience began to grunt rhythmically as he fired up the chain saw and aimed the whirling blade closer to the unmoving creature's neck...